50 Twitter updates that you’ll never forget

Political

The 2008 U.S. presidential election is the most Internet-fueled race to date. Check out these related tweets.

1. Abandoned by John Edwards: Before John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race, he dropped out of the Twitter community without a word.
2. Debate Torrent: USofA discussed torrenting the Democratic Debates.
3. Downing Street Shirks Back: Downing Street doesn’t engage in emotive political dialogue.
4. Barack Obama Gets Snarky: Sen. Obama mused about a second-place vice-presidency offer.

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Popularity: 16%

Virginity check

A young man was  planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if  his bride is a virgin.
The doctor  said, ‘Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a  can of blue paint and a shovel..’
The man was  astonished and asked, ‘So what do I do with these?’
The doc  replied, ‘Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball  red and the other ball blue.   If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her head with the shovel.’

Popularity: 1%

Laptops are like women

Many people wonder why we attribute a female gender to ships, cars and even countries, as we tend to refer to them as “she.”

Personally, I like to think that the reason for this is simply because men love them. Nothing sexist about that at all.

However, there are some people out there — most of them women I must confess — who claim these are called “she” because men like to have control over them. I argue that’s just a bunch of drivel. Name me a ship or a car or a country that won’t punish you if  you don’t treat it with the necessary care and attention. It’s just not possible. So who’s really calling the shots?

If cars were completely under control there would be no bumps and bashes on the roads. If ships were fully under control there would be no sunken wrecks. If countries were fully dominated there would be no wars.

Yes, women have been and many remain oppressed. That’s unacceptable, regrettable and a bunch of other -ables, but we’ve made and will continue to make a lot of progress.

Men and women may be equal when it comes to quality, but they are not the same, no matter what anyone might say. Apart from the obvious physical differences, there are some advantages women have over men.

Generally speaking, women live longer than men. Some studies show women cope better with pain then men, too (perhaps it’s from going through something painful every month – I’ll leave it at that). Fewer diseases affect just women.

Think about it. It’s a compliment of the highest order to refer to anything as female.

And so, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that laptops are like women. And here’s 10 reasons why:

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Popularity: 1%

Owned at the Porn Shop

Here is a funny story I came across on a forum. It is graphic so if you are offended by these topics please don’t read it.

Ok so I was going to go to the strip club in downtown SF yesterday. So I saw the bookstore on the way there and decided to see if they had a good blackcherleader or black anal films. Ive been there before but never ventured far. So I was looking around for the DVD and then I looked over and saw a door and the top said “Extra 5 dollar fee upon entrance”. I didn’t think anything of it so I continued on with my browsing.

A couple minutes later on I look up and there is this cute provocative dressed latin girl with a white guy. There was a couple other people in the store but I didn’t pay any attention to them. All the sudden the guy that was with the latin girl walked out after saying his goodbyes, i guess she was going to look for a film for her boytoy. So I looked at her and she smiled and I smiled. I got a thought at that moment, maybe If i go pay a 5 dollar entrance fee and find out whats back there she might sneak back there too. Im not a good looking guy, but Im pretty big guy and I smiled and I was hoping that she would be lured in by the kinkiness of going back there.

So I went up to the counter asked the guy what it was. He says “Oh its just adult video booths and a wating room with a couch”. I figured what the hell and so I paid 5 dollars and went in the back. I walked past the booths went in the last one next to the waiting room. They were charging money so I put in 25 cents for intial video to show. I looked over and saw a big hole there. I was like oh no you mean they have this gay glory hole crap Ive been hearing about. ALl the sudden I heard footsteps so I assumed it was the girl since it was only like a minute after entering the back. I was getting real horny with the porno sounds and images and the thought of her wanting to go back there to fool around.

I then came up with the genious idea to stick my dick through the hole. I was real aroused so I just stuck it through. ALl the sudden the footsteps went past me I heard a long pause and out of nowhere I feel a mouth on my dick. I started groaning and I felt hands on my dick and felt spit and the hard sucking of a dick. My first thoughts were this girl can suck a mean dick. So I said “You are such a naughty girl, I can’t believe you do this behind that guys back”. WEll they continued to keep sucking. Eventually I got bored though since I never cum from a blowjob so I said “Ok thats enough I don’t cum from blowjobs”. So I pulled my dick out.

I thought I would hear a deep sexy voice saying how hot that was and how she wanted to come in the booth etc etc, but instead I heard the voice of what sounded like a 50 year old fat guy say ” Hey there is better places you can stick that big guy”. I was so embarassed and angered I didn’t say anything and stayed in there until he was gone. I must have stayed in there a half hour to make sure he was out of the store. I was so digusted I went straight to the strip club and got a blowjob from the usal stripper that delivers. This has got to be the most digusting experience of my life!

via:funnystuffblog.com

Popularity: 1%

Women vs. Men

Women vs Men

All those differences …

• If a girl laughs, she is a jolly fellow.
  If a man laughs, he is manner less.
• If a girl talks too much, she is witty.
  If a man talks too much, he is a chatterbox.
• If a girl loves silence, she is serious.
  If a man loves silence, he is dull.
• If a girl wears a unique dress, she is smart.
  If a man does so, he is a joker.
• If a girl eats too much, she is promoting.
  If a man eats too much, he is a glutton.
• If girls move together, they form a company.
  If men move together, they form a gang.

Here are some telling differences between the gender, in terms of psychological behaviors. (via danielfranklingomez.com)

1. Men grasp a situation as a whole and think globally, while women think locally, relying on details and subtleties.

2. Men are builders and creators. They take risks and experiment, while women select the most valuable knowledge and pass it over to the next generation.

3. Men are more independent in their thoughts and actions, while women are more willing to follow the ideas suggested by others.

4. Women’s self-appraisal is lower than that of men. Women tend to criticize themselves, while men are more satisfied with their own performance.

5. Men and women have different sources of satisfaction. For men it’s career and prosperity, while women value family and kids.

6. Men have a pronounced need to fulfill their goals, and women rank relationships with others first.

7. Men get sick twice as often as women, although women tend to be more concerned about their health.

8. Women endure pain and monotonous work better than men.

Popularity: 2%

Cumputer women

Angry woman with computer

Which type of woman do you like?

1. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.
2. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do anything right, but you can’t live without her.
3. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only your basic needs.
4. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colorful, and lots of fun.
5. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.
6. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
7. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
8. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.
9. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
10. VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don’t try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

Popularity: 1%

Wrong email address

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to  Florida  to thaw out during a particularly  icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to   coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota  and flew to   Florida  on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband   checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in  Houston , a widow had just returned home from her
husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving  Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you’re  surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.   Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Popularity: 1%

14 Reasons to Smile

Smile

There are so many reasons to smile, but i will write just about 14.

• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.

• How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

• A good friend will come to bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Wow…that was fun!”

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

• When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”

• Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

• Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

• Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

• Wouldn’t you know it… Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

• Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

• Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier”

• And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Popularity: 1%

English-isms

English-isms
For all you Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)…

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
16. He often broke in to song because he couldn’t find the key.
17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Popularity: 1%

Fast sex

Fast Sex

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else.

One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you…

The girl looked at him, and then said, ‘NO!’

Michael said I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.  So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.  He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call.  Finally, after 45 minute’s the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘What happened…?’

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, ‘The bastard had all quarters!’

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Popularity: 1%